Saturday, November 17, 2007

Depression


I get way up
I can go way down
in all aspects of life

Depression
Bob Komives
and in almost all
I can go with others
or cling to others
be pushed by others
or pulled by others
tromped by others
stifled by others
encouraged by others
or exalted by others.
But when I go way down
in the aspect of inside outedness
when vacuum has sucked my energy
from the top of my brain
down through a taut throat
past a heart that just beats
past lungs that just breathe
sinking lower
when it's impossible to sink lower
when I don't give a damn
to be pushed
pulled
encouraged
or exalted by others
my hands with fingers groping in
rather than out
are incapable of clinging.
I don't care if I'm stifled by others
or tromped by others.
I can't go with others
because there are no others.
There is only self
a sunken self
a sinking self
a self traveling alone
a self which
try as it may
cannot sink beyond itself.
The further I sink
the smaller the prison.
So I begin to swell
in claustrophobic hate of self.
I want out.
I know there's a way
but I can't find it.
There are echoes of suggestion from all sides
but the outside world is now too distant
too distant to be real.
I'm searching for a thought
for that's all I have left
a thought that can open up the way.
Open up.
Up! Open up!
Then a fuzzy coolness enters my raging hate.
Whom do I hate?
Self
of course
self.
But who is self?
It is the self of now?
I was all right until all this sinking began.
Who was doing the sucking that caused the vacuum?
Who turned me inside out?
Who was kicking whom?
Who was making who suffer?
Who is suffering?
Who else is suffering?
Who the hell else is suffering?
Those echoes are becoming less distant.
He is real; so is she; they all are;
thank you sir; yes mam; excuse me; 'd love to.
There are echoes from the inside now
but they are too distant to be real.
Ahh! a deep breath
a heart beating with vitality
a smooth unnoticed swallow
too distant to be real
too distant— too distant to be heard.


Bob Komives :: Fort Collins © 1994 :: Depression :: ,0x06

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